


I'll Be There For You

by scrappylittlegleek



Category: Supergirl (Comics), Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Gets a Hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor-centric, Protective Kara Danvers, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 09:21:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18568477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrappylittlegleek/pseuds/scrappylittlegleek
Summary: After going through Lex's journals all day with Supergirl, Lena can't shake the voices of Lex and Lillian that continue to taunt her and run through her head. So of course, she seeks comfort in her best friend, Kara.





	I'll Be There For You

Lena sat stiffly on her couch, her hands squeezed tightly into fists as she closed her eyes and drew in a breath. She knew exactly what this was, and though she hated it, she knew there was no way to stop it. She used to be able to, but recently she’d become weak. Or at least what she considered weak. She started letting her emotions control her, which was exactly what they were doing now.

She’d spent the day tediously going through Lex’s old journals, filled with meaningless hope that she’d be able to do something to help Supergirl find justice. Looking back on it, the whole thing was ridiculous. She’d had intentions of helping. She’d gone in expecting she’d be able to make things better for her friends. It was stupid, really. All they’d done was put Supergirl in even more danger while bringing up memories Lena had worked so haed repress. Seeing Lex’s handwriting was enough to send her into a downward spiral, but reading about every mistake she’d ever made as a child brought a type of pain she couldn’t even being to explain.

She opened her eyes and let out a shaky breath. Her bar cart was in the other room. She could so easily drown this all out in tequila and deal with it in the morning. She could put her headphones on and listen to music so loudly that the sounds of her thoughts pounding against her hears became silenced. She could drink herself into unconsciousness like she’d done many times before. It wouldn’t be hard.

But for once, she stopped herself. She was already suffocating. Memories and words from her childhood strangled and choked her. They wrapped themselves around her neck and cut off her air supply. Lex’s voice ran through her like a vicious infection. The kind of disease that her parents would’ve scolded her for crying over because they didn’t care about just how agonizing it was. It was all accompanied by visions of the Luthor manor which haunted her. They sent shivers down her spine as Lex’s voice reappeared in her ear, calling her weak and worthless. Words that she’d learned to believe were true.

_Lena craves my attention. Pathetic. She clings to me like a leech, it’s disgusting._

Lena squeezed her fists even tighter, her nails breaking the skin on her palms. No matter how badly she wanted to think about something else, she couldn’t stop the voices in her head from screaming at her as they recited every word of Lex’s journals.

_She cried when mother hit her. She needs to learn to control herself. She’ll never be a real Luthor if she doesn’t realize crying makes you weak._

She forcefully punched the couch cushion and shut her eyes tightly. She was so sick of this. She was so tired of him being able to get under her skin even after all these years. She hated the power he held over her, but more then anything, she hated that she gave him power. She despised the fact that she was too scared to let go of Lex’s voice in the back of her head. She resented that she always let him creep back in when she was at her weakest and let him torment her the way he used to when they were children.

Lena pulled off her leather jacket and threw it to the ground. She was burning up inside despite the goosebumps that littered her body. They were the kind of chills that wouldn’t go away by putting on a coat. She kicked off her heels and stood up. She shook out her hands, cracked her neck, and took a deep breath.

She swallowed the lump in her throat as she fell to her knees and began rummaging through her pockets with shaky hands. She didn’t want to find it, but she needed it. It was like a drug. She knew it would only hurt her, but she _needed_ it.

Soon enough, Lena was holding one of Lex’s old journals. Her hands shook fiercely as she opened it up to the first page. It was the journal from when she had first been brought home, from when Lex first began tracking her every mistake. Keeping tally of every time she cried, every time she begged him to let him stay with him at night because she was too scared to sleep in her room, every time she was caught hugging her teddy bear with tears running down her cheeks. Every time she showed she was much too weak to be a real Luthor.

_Mother brought home a little girl today. She said her name’s Lena._

Lena smiled ever so slightly at the memory. She’d been so excited when she met Lex for the first time. She’d always wanted a brother, it had been like a dream come true.

_I could hear her crying when we were supposed to be asleep last night. She was asking for her mom, presumably not her new mother. I don’t know how she expects to make it in this house if she thinks it’s okay to act like that._

Lena’s eyes filled with tears. She remembered being four years old and opening up her bedroom window, sticking her head out while the cold hair blew her hair into her face. She’d felt so naked in her pink nightgown, so exposed to the rest of the world. She remembered screaming for her mom as loudly as she possibly could, hoping that maybe if she was loud enough she’d come back for her. She’d looked up at the clouds, searching for the heavens, wishing with everything she had in her that she could see her one more time. She’d shouted until her voice became raspy and sore and her vision was blurred from crying. She’d shut the window and her heart sank as it finally hit her that she was really stuck with the Luthor’s. She would never get to see her real mom again, no matter how much she called her name. She had a new mother and a new family now, and it was time for her to accept that.

She sighed and turned the page. She knew nothing good could come from reading this, it would only make her feel worse, if possible. But she didn’t care. All these years later, she still desperately craved to know what her brother really thought of her. She yearned for approval the same way she did as a child, even if attempting to find it only caused pain. Of course, she knew by now there was nothing good in Lex’s journals, but that didn’t stop her from wanting to know what he had to say about her. Maybe to some ignorance was bliss, but to Lena, it was pure torture.

_Mother hit Lena for the first time. She hid under the kitchen table like a baby for an hour. When she finally came out, she was shaking like a leaf._

Lena bit her lip as she continued to read. The words seemed to float off the page, they swam around her head tauntingly. Mocking her for feeling so much the way Lex and her mother used to.

But she couldn’t stop reading. Half of her was screaming at her to put the book down. The other half begged her to continue. Unsurprisingly, she listened to the side that told her to embrace the hurt.

 _She’s easily clouded by emotion and cries over_ _everything._ _It’s incredibly irritating. She needs to grow up._

Lena forced back her tears and closed the book. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of crying about it now. Even if he couldn’t see her, she wouldn’t give the little voice’s that continued to mock her the pleasure of upsetting her again.

She released a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in and thought back to earlier today.

When she’d first began reading the journals, she’d been so overwhelmed she’d become paralyzed. It wasn’t until Supergirl snapped her out of her trance that she’d regained the ability to move again. She smiled softly to herself as she thought about how Supergirl hadn’t gotten mad at her for getting shaken up. She’d even been sympathetic and told her she understood how hard reading the journals must’ve been. It was a small gesture, Lena knew this. But it meant the world to her. Sometimes it was still so strange to have someone that stood by her and listened to her when she needed it. It was so easy to forget that it was an ordinary thing for most people having been deprived of such a feeling her whole life.

Lena didn’t even care that the friendship she cared for so much was almost entirely built on a lie. Sure, it bothered her for a while. It ate away at her and tormented her the same way Lex did. But after a while, Lena began to forgive Kara for hiding her secret identity from her. She even began to understand why she did it, even if Kara didn’t know that she knew yet.

Having Kara sit with her and sort through all of the journals with her made her feel something strange and funny in the pit of her stomach. A mixture of fear, admiration, and something else that she couldn’t quite place. Holding the journals alone, Lena felt the same coldness from when she’d stuck her head out the window and scream for her mom wrap itself around her. It sucked away any safety or security she’d felt with Kara earlier and reminded her of how alone she really was.

Before Lena could stop herself, she was digging through her pockets again. Maybe it was the adrenaline rush from today's events or the need to feel someone physically there with her in order to calm down, she couldn’t be sure. But before she knew it, she’d impulsively texted Kara.

_Can you come over?_

She held her breath, her eyes widened once she realized what she’d done. Texting Kara in the middle of the night was possibly the most embarrassing, childish, and needy thing she could’ve done, and yet here she was.

Luckily, Kara responded almost instantly with the response Lena had not so secretly been hoping for.

_Of course. Are you okay?_

Lena sighed before quickly responding.

_I will be._

* * *

 

It took Kara less than ten minutes to arrive at Lena’s apartment.

When she opened the door, Lena had to refrain from throwing herself onto her best friend and hugging her with everything she had in her. Instead, she forced a small smile and stiffly gave Kara a small awkward hug.

“Hey, what happened, are you okay?” Kara asked urgently.

Lena forced a smile and nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thanks for coming.”

“Of course, what are friends for?”

They silently sat down on the long couch in the living room. Both of them unsure of how to start the conversation. Instead, Kara’s eyes were drawn to Lena’s coat and shoes on the floor. Lena wasn’t one for mess, and Kara wasn’t sure if she’d ever even seen one of Lena’s files on her laptop out order. She was very nitpicky about that sort of thing so it was very out of character for her to leave her things just lying around.

“I’m sorry about the mess,” Lena apologized with a nervous chuckle when she noticed Kara staring. She hastily stood up and grabbed them, shoving them into her closet before subtly slipping the journal under one of the couch pillows and sitting next to Kara.

“So, what happened?” Kara asked to change the subject.

Lena gave a shy smile and looked down at her lap, remembering why Kara was really here.“I-- I’ve been going through Lex’s journals,” she admitted.  

“Lena, you know you shouldn’t read that kind of stuff,” Kara said, her voice filled with concern. “Lex is-- he’s terrible.”

Lena bit her lip and nodded. “Yeah… I know I shouldn’t be but I…” her voice trailed off, too ashamed to admit the real reason behind her actions.

“You can’t help yourself?” Kara prompted.

Lena nodded once more. “Yeah.”

Kara smiled understandingly. It pained her to think about Lena going through them again once left to her own devices. Though she had to admit, it didn’t surprise her that Lena had continued to read on.

Lena looked up and took a deep breath. “Today I-- I saw so much from my childhood and I-- it was so scary,” she continued.

Kara just gazed at her sympathetically, unsure of how to respond.

“And I _know_ I should’ve stopped reading when I had the chance but…” Lena sighed and glanced down at her lap shamefully. “I slipped one of the journals in my purse and took it home with me,” she admitted bashfully.

Kara opened her mouth to speak but Lena cut her off before she could get the words out.

“I know it was a stupid and childish thing to do but he just said so many things about me that it just-- it was killing me not to know what he really thought. And of course, I do know what he thinks of me, he made it very clear the last time I saw him,” she chuckled humorlessly. “But this was all-- it was so detailed-- it was every little thing and I-- it was like a confirmation of everything I’ve ever wanted to know about myself.”

Kara nodded. She understood it. If she could read a journal Alex had written about her with every little detail on how she felt about her from their childhood she wasn’t sure if she would do it or not. She knew it would make her feel terrible about herself. Sixteen-year-old Alex hated her, that was no secret. But she couldn’t admit, the idea was tempting. Growing up she’d always wondered exactly what it was that Alex had despised about her. If she could be given the answers now, she’d like to think she’d be able to deny them, but she couldn’t be so sure.

“Do you still have the journal with you?” Kara asked.

Lena nodded bashfully. She reached under the pillow she had been leaning against and revealed the book with a brown leather cover. She held her breath and watched as Kara examined it, not daring to open it out of respect for Lena’s privacy.

She looked back up at Lena and gave her a sad smile. “Lena, you are so freaking awesome,” she said, which earned a small chuckle from her friend.

“I mean it. You are possibly the most amazing person I’ve ever met and some words written in a book by your psychotic brother don’t change that.”

She leaned over and put the journal on the coffee table.

“That,” she said, pointing to the book. “Is _not_ an accurate description of the Lena I know and love.”

Lena sighed and averted Kara’s gaze.

“Hey, look at me,” Kara said softly. She placed a hand on Lena’s knee, and Lena hesitantly made eye contact once more.

“You know nothing he said about you is true,” she said firmly yet kindy.

Lena shrugged ever so slightly. “He said my emotions would be my downfall, he certainly got that right,” she said and laughed humorlessly.

But Kara shook her head as to contradict her. “So you’re emotional?” She said and threw her hands up dramatically. “You’re empathetic and kind, and loving, and you care _so_ much about others. You are selfless and you help everyone around you. And maybe some consider that a downfall, but I think it’s what makes you so special.”

Lena managed to thank Kara before she felt her cheeks turn bright red. She willed herself not to cry as she repeated Kara’s words in her head. It almost didn’t feel real. She didn’t understand what she had done to deserve Kara’s kindness. It made no sense as to why she cared so much or why she was so sympathetic towards everything that had happened.

She couldn’t help the tears that began to fall once more.

“I-- I keep trying to remind myself that it-- that I don’t deserve what happened but it just-- it feels like I’m lying to myself,” Lena began to ramble. She couldn’t stop the words that seemed to fall out of her. “And I guess I know-- or at least _sometimes_ I know that me being emotional isn’t a bad thing. It just…” she stopped herself again.

“It’s hard,” Kara finished for her, and Lena nodded in agreement.

“Your entire life you were told you had to be one thing, you had to act and look a certain way, you were put into some-- some sick cookie cutter mold. Of course, it’s going to be hard learning that none of that was right,” Kara said. She took Lena’s hand in her own and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “But you’re getting there, and that’s what matters.”

Lena shook her head sadly. “Today was like… it felt like I took a million steps backward,” she said and chuckled humorlessly.

“I kept hearing Lex’s voice in my head, calling me pathetic and disgusting,” she continued, her voice deep and full of anger. “I could see him laughing at me for falling into all of his traps, the same exact way I used to when I was a child. But you know what the worst part was?”

Kara didn’t respond.

“I let him do it. I let him get in my head. I chose to read those journals-- hell, I chose to steal one and _reread_ it. I did this to myself, and here I am crying about it like I didn’t choose for this to happen.”

Kara shook her head. “You didn’t choose the way you grew up,” she countered.

“Yeah but I--”

“So you made a bad decision today? Lena, nothing that happened was your fault,” Kara brushed a stray hair out of Lena’s face so she could see her clearly again. “You made a mistake, we all do. And you’re allowed to be upset about it.”

Lena drew in a breath and stopped herself from contradicting Kara. Because if she was being honest, having her by her side was the best thing that could’ve happened after the day she’d had. Even if they had technically spent the day together. The fact that Kara had stood by her through all of it meant more than anything Lex had said in his journals. And for now, she could choose to think about that and allow herself to for once accept the love and comfort that surrounded her.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I'm so sorry about not finishing and posting this yesterday. I've been off my writing game lately which is why it's been taking me a while to update stuff. I also really hate the way this turned out but I promised I'd post it, so I'm sorry it was so disappointing. Anyways, hopefully, you guys didn't hate it too much and my next work will be better.


End file.
